* keep scrolling if you are triggered easily please*
Today I got my first tattoo. Today is my 18th birthday.
I’ve self harmed since I’m 13. My body is full of scars, cuts , burns.
I’ve seen my dad beating my mom the first time, when I was a 7 year old. I don’t know what it is like to have a nice and lovely family connection.
My little brother was diagnosed with autism when he was three, my dad says, till this day, that it is my fault, because I’m a horrible sister.
My older sister run away as soon as she turned 19. She fucking leaved me alone.
I was beaten up by my parents often, I didn’t had any friends & I hated myself.
I wrote my first suicide note when I was 15. I mean, the fuck, what could a 15 year old, who doesn’t live in poverty & isn’t alone in life, have seen, that makes her want to commit suicide?
It wasn’t the big things. My parents weren’t the worst, the bullying in school wasn’t the worst, my bad grads weren’t the worst.
I was it. I was the worst.
When everyone tries to push you down, you know what will happen?
You will fucking break down.
Breaking apart is such a fragile, slow process.
I fell apart for 5 years & I still don’t know if I’m already collecting the pieces or if I just cutted myself with one of those pieces.
Well, no matter how fucked up I was, I still was a big dreamer.
I had imaginary friends until I was 12, I was convinced, that I’m a magical girl until I turned 16.
Reality is hard for those, who are born to live magical lifes.
I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I’m taking medications & I’ll start a therapy. I still feel like crap, but I’ll hope one day I’ll feel like nice crap.
So, why stardust?
Imagine, what if we all are made of stars? What, if we’ll all be stars again one day?
Do you know, this moment, when the sun reflects on your iris and there is a little sparkle in your eye, what if its stardust?
What is everything is eternal and we just crave an ending, because what is after the end scares us?
Maybe we are all infinite. Maybe we are all little dreams because our dreams are the reasons were alive?
We are all stardust.
We are all dreamers.
But some of us decide to forget their dreams, so that they lose their sparkle. Their happiness.
This is why I choose stardust.
We shouldn’t be ashamed of following our dreams, because maybe that’s what makes us human.
Btw I love the “inkheart” books, my tattoo font is from the book cover.
* it you really read this, thank you. I hope you’ll have a nice day*